Politically Correct Phrases for the Work Environment

Memorandum

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their coworkers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with coworkers. Therefore, a list of preferred new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees.

Preferred: Perhaps I can work late.
Instead of: When the fuck do you expect me to do this?

Preferred: I'm certain that it's not feasible.
Instead of: No fucking way.

Preferred: Really?
Instead of: You've got to be shitting me.

Preferred: Perhaps you should check with...
Instead of: Tell someone who gives a shit.

Preferred: Of course I'm concerned
Instead of: Ask me if I give a shit.

Preferred: I wasn't involved in that project.
Instead of: It's not my fucking problem.

Preferred: That's interesting behavior.
Instead of: What the fuck?!?!

Preferred: I'm not sure I can implement this.
Instead of: Fuck it, it won't work.

Preferred: I'll try to schedule that.
Instead of: Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?

Preferred: Are you sure this is a problem?
Instead of: Who the fuck cares?

Preferred: He's not familiar with the problem.
Instead of: He's got his head up his ass.

Preferred: Excuse me, sir?
Instead of: Eat shit and die motherfucker.

Preferred: So you weren't happy with it?
Instead of: Kiss my ass.

Preferred: I'm a bit overloaded at this moment.
Instead of: Fuck it, I'm on salary.

Preferred: I don't think you understand.
Instead of: Shove it up your ass.

Preferred: I love a challenge.
Instead of: This job sucks.

Preferred: You want me to take care of that?
Instead of: Who the hell died and made you boss?

Preferred: I see.
Instead of: Blow me.

Preferred: Yes, we really should discuss it.
Instead of: Another fucking meeting!

Preferred: I don't think this will be a problem.
Instead of: I really don't give a shit.

Preferred: He's somewhat insensitive.
Instead of: He's a fucking prick/asshole.

Preferred: She's an aggressive go getter.
Instead of: She's a ball busting bitch.

Preferred: I think you could use more training.
Instead of: You don't know what the fuck you're doing.